they're never true.

"it's just a one time thing."

nothing's ever a one time thing. if we had done it once, we'll somehow do it again. by all means or not, it'll blindy happen. in dramas and movies, they always have the person that does bad shit and the  other person who's blindly in love aka stupid la senang cakap.

he started smoking again. shocked? not at all, i totes saw it coming. he did it cs he was stressed, bullshit. he'd try his best to stop, bullshit. he'd never do it again, buuuullshiiiit. also he went into a club, uh-gain. even spinning during his own event, lol even worse. what's worst? a bestfriend of mine got dragged into it. cs she made a promise to someone to blabla that's her thing. not rly imp.

you know. this is why it's hard for me to ever trust guys. i mean like ever. including my bros, my own dad and my best guy friends. they're all bull fucking shit to me. it all started because of him. he made me lose trust on him and i'm so thankful that i didn't trust him 100% when we got back together. let's give myself a credit for that. why was i ever his. he's not my biggest regret but i just regret that i got back together with him after what happened. why was i so blind. why was i that character in the drama. wasted my fucking time and tears on this asshole. wasted my money, my sins that i could have done with another person.

so damn thankful that we broke up. so damn thankful i said the word. so damn thankful i called it off. God clearly told me to do it and alhamdulillah I got the message. let's just be positive. this happened to me because life's a lesson. with God's will i won't date a person like him again or got to ever know someone's close to him. at the very least, i'm not that blind cs i didn't end up accepting him for who he was or even be someone like him. so kudos to yourself, nrein! 👏 you're still on the right pathway, waiting to change to a better person. 

school? nah.

i'm really happy to have a week of school holiday. like, i can finally lounge around without having to care about studying. i'm pretty sure my genius friends out there are brainstorming for answers but that's just not me and that's never me and i know i won't change the idea of life i want to live in just because of SPM. no matter how hard it'll be, my life will stay the same.

school holiday is like literally a break from anything that has any connection to school. even when i have to attend a school meeting, i didn't. even when i have to read and revise my books, i lay down & watched dramas. i know it's bad. & i'm clearly sure that i'll only realize how important school is during the peak moments. and i'll regret that, for damn sure. but i don't mind, i know myself well that i'll get back up and at least get 3As for SPM.

never have i imagined to score em straight As since KBAT came flying like a bitch. so i'll set my target straight. As for BM and English is a must, the others can depend onto how much i "love" the subs. tbh now i hate all of them and i'm never excited to learn any of the subs. any. yea. i'm a lazy ass student. let's just hope for a change cs time's running heck fast. insyaAllah, amin.

bodoh.

today's shit. today's fucking shit.

what the fuck do you want from me. leave my fucking life alone cs ive let you go. don't mess with my  life, head or heart.

don't be childish, fucker.

2015 bound.

why am i feeling so at ease? 

it's very rare, very hard to understand. even for myself. but a friend of mine said  maybe i was too ready for it. maybe i wanted it so bad that when it actually happens, instead of feeling sad, i feel relieved. 

it sucks how much he changed days after tho. the way he talk to me, the way he tweets, post photos and even checking into every places he went. he also found a girl, a lovely one. and yes i do feel happy for the both of them but yet my heart's a bit despondent. i'm crestfallen knowing he moved on so fast while he's the one who's really hard to let me go. 

but maybe, he wanted it too. maybe he's ready too. 

he was like, stuck in a jail. his own girlfriend's jail. i didn't let him to do that, to do this just because i loved him so much. and when we broke up, he look so much happier and free, as he wanted his life to be. i'm a really bad girlfriend to be so protective and making him what he doesn't want to do. i admit that, and i'm sorry for the 3 years of suffer. i really am i can never put it into words.

as for me, i'm very happy with my life now with very less of crying, no crying at all actually. with great friends ive gained. with love from the ones i just met. my days got so brighter, and i'd like to thank God for that. maybe being with him is not a thing i want to experience for my whole life. and maybe, he's just not the one for me.  we're so different from each other. just, so different, and i'm so glad that we broke up. because it was a torture, honestly.